Candidate Profile

Criminology & Law Enforcement
History - General
Malcolm Nelson worked for 40 years for HM Customs and Excise. He worked on every aspect of catching smugglers. He was mainly based at Heathrow but he also spent time at London Port, Dover, St Petersberg (Russia), Malta, and at most major airports throughout the EU.

Since retirement in 2005 he has developed his speaking activity and now delivers in excess of 80 talks a year to clubs and societies through out the south of England. His agency ranked him one below Graham Gooch ( ex England cricket captain) and one above Martin Bell the TV personality and ex MP. He is a popular cruise ship speaker, having delivered his talks on approximately 50 cruises. His charismatic personality; as witnessed when he narrowly failed to win £100,000 on ITVs" Beat the Chasers; means he goes down well with passengers from every level of society.

His main programme of talks is entitled "International Drug Smuggling, 40 years of Catching Smugglers". In this series of talks he uses his experience to give his audience an insight into the world of International Drug Smuggling with particular emphasis on just how Customs Officers catch smugglers. However he also gives talks on the history of smuggling, historical events in Australia and the Russian revolution. His talks are are invariably informative and his unique style of delivery make them both entertaining and, where appropriate, extremely amusing.

He is an accomplished speaker having been trained in Advanced Presentaional Skills. He is a member of the British Society of Criminologists and he is accredited by the Australian Tourist Board as an "Aussie Specialist".

His first book "Forty Years Catching Smugglers" was published in 2011 and his second "In Pursuit of the Two Legged Mule" was published in 2017.

The History of International Smuggling from the Middle Ages to the Present Day

1. The opening talk introduces the audience to the mysteries of just how Customs Officers catch smugglers.
Interesting, bizarre, often hilarious, and sometimes sad, but never never dull.

2. An insight into how Customs Officers select passengers who they think might be carrying drugs.
Just what is it they are looking for? What are the tell tale signs? How do the guilty ones give themselves away?

3. Drug concealments
Pictures of actual drug concealments with the real life stories behind the pictures. Malcolm was either the detecting Officer or was connected to each one.

4. Swallowers
A detailed look at how people who swallow drugs as means of concealment are detected and processed. It includes pictures and x-rays of offenders. Not for the fainthearted (ha ha)

5. Lies and Excuses
An insight into how Customs Officers detect items such as cigarettes, fur coats, jewellery. This includes hints about who some of the more famous people Malcolm came across during his 40 years.

6. A Case Study:
This talk takes the audience through a particularly complicated offence from interception in the Green Channel to Crown Court. You the audience are the jury. And if you find the accused guilty, you are the judge.

7. Trains and Boats and Planes.
A look at other ways and types of smuggling. Small planes, yachts, containers, cars, and trains carrying drugs, cigarettes, and “people”.

8. Two modern day famous smugglers.
An in depth look at two famous or infamous smugglers ; Howard Marks (Mr Nice) and Curtis (Cocky ) Warren; one of whom actually made his way onto the Sunday Times “Rich List”.

9. Smugglers of yesteryear
A detailed look at smugglers from the 17th and 18th century

10. The history of smuggling from the 6th century to modern day.
Just how smuggling and the methods of counteracting it developed over the centuries

11. Smuggling gangs of the 16th and 17th century.
Was this the beginning of “organised crime” as we know it.

12. Pablo Escobar. A modern day Robin Hood or a wolf in sheeps clothing. The life story of the most infamous drug smuggler of the modern era.


12. “The bombing of Darwin”
More bombs were dropped and more ships sunk than at Pearl Harbour. But why are the Australians so ashamed of this episode in their history.

13. “The Australian gold rush”.
An attempt to separate the fact from the fiction.

14. “The demise of the Australian aborigine”. Just why is the aborigine held in such little regard by the people of Australia.

15. “A Nation of Thieves” (This title can be adapted so as not to offend the audience).
The story of Arthur Phillip and the very first convoy to Botany Bay and the place we now know as Sydney.

16. “Life and Times of Ned Kelly”
Seperating the fact from the fiction of the notorious outlaw.

17. “Diary of a Backpacker” The story taken from the diary of a backpacker from the 1870’s. The diary was written by a relative who had emigrated to Australia.

18. “The Ayres Rock Mystery”
The Chamberlains have finally been exonerated of all blame for Azarias disappearance. But just why were the Australian police so convinced they had committed the crime in the first place.


19. "The roots of the Russian revolution" Part 1

20. "The roots of the Russian revolution" Part 2
The following recent Cruise History has been recorded for this candidate.
Queen Mary 2 M906 Far East Roundrip Sector 20 Hong Kong Tuesday, March 5, 2019
Queen Mary 2 M729 Westbound Transatlantic Crossing 8 Southampton Friday, August 4, 2017
Queen Victoria V715 Sectors A/B/C/D Mediterranean Highlights Cruise 23 Southampton Thursday, June 22, 2017
Queen Elizabeth Q703-715 World Cruise 2017 120 Southampton Saturday, January 7, 2017
Queen Mary 2 M629 Eastbound Crossing 7 New York Thursday, December 8, 2016
Queen Victoria V619 Caribbean Highlights Cruise 24 Southampton Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Saga Sapphire SA305 Grand Mediterranean Voyage 31 Southampton Friday, September 23, 2016
Queen Victoria V613 Istanbul, Greek Isles and Venice Cruise 14 Piraeus (Athens) Saturday, August 27, 2016
Queen Elizabeth Q606 Venice & The Adriatic Cruise 17 Southampton Saturday, May 14, 2016
Queen Mary 2 M603 World Cruise 2016 121 Southampton Sunday, January 10, 2016
Queen Elizabeth Q603 World Cruise 2016 121 Southampton Sunday, January 10, 2016
Queen Elizabeth Q602 Short Break to Hamburg 4 Southampton Wednesday, January 6, 2016